


You really are the worst brother

by insxne



Series: Brother, you are cruel. Brother, you are in pain. [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Brotherly Love, Canon divergence - post thor : ragnarok, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Torture, Suicide Attempt, thor centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2019-06-10 09:03:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15288165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insxne/pseuds/insxne
Summary: Loki is laughter and mischevious eyes, Loki is thousands of pranks and falling asleep together or with Mother. “I know you are not fine, Loki. I don’t remember the last time you were.”Loki doesn’t look at him. “I don’t rememember either”, he says, very quietly. Then, he bends over and pukes onto the ground.





	You really are the worst brother

**Author's Note:**

> There is one part of this story who is based on the prompt “What if Loki always wear long sleeves because he has self harm scars”  
> There won’t be anything too graphic, but if it triggers you, don’t read.

**You really are the worst brother**

 

* * *

 

_There is a little boy inside the man who is my brother…_  
_Oh, how I hated that little boy._  
_And how I love him too._

* * *

 

 

It is not an easy thing to be a king, but Thor never expected it to be ; certainly not at this moment, when Asgard is destroyed and the remains of his people is huddled in a Sakaarian ship.

But there are the Hulk, and Valkyrie and Heimdall at his side.

Loki is there, too, and when did it become so hard to be a brother ? Was it after Loki fell ? Or before, and Thor just never really noticed ?

He also finds it hard to trust him again. They share a room, and spend most of their days together, so it's not difficult to keep an eye on him ; but there are times where Loki just disappears during the day, and when Thor sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night to find the bed next to his empty.

"Open communication was never our family's forte", Loki had said, and, oh, was he right. Thor didn't know how to talk to Loki anymore (had he ever ?), and Loki wasn't really helping from his side. The only moments where Loki would let something slip about the way he felt, or just a small breach inside of his walls, it would be out of anger. 

_I'm not your brother. I never was._

Thor had always considered anger to be his emotion, the one that caracterized him the better. But, as he really thinks about it now, he realizes it has always been Loki's. Loki, who would bottle it deep inside of him, until it ate him away, until it rotted and poisonned his mind ; until he had no other choice but to implode. 

_Easier to let it burn._

But Loki was good at hiding the way he felt, he always had, especially if those feelings were pain or sadness. When they were kids, every time the other children made fun of him for being smaller or using his magic, he always hid how hurt he was from Thor ; and it never changed, even when they got older, and, whenever Loki got hurt during the battles, he'd vanished before Thor could see him and would take care of his wounds alone. 

As if Thor would think any less of him. As if he would think Loki was weak. 

It's true : Thor never really understood Loki. Maybe he did, once, back when they were children, and when Loki would crawl in Thor's bed because he had a nightmare. But his brother's mind was a strange mess of contradictions. In spite of his actions, and his words, Thor knows Loki loved their mother. 

_Who put me there ?_

He also knows that, despite the lies and the anger and the bitterness and the pain, Loki loves their father too. He has seen it, briefly, during Odin's last moments, how broken Loki had looked at his words " _I love you, my sons."_

And, ultimately, he knows Loki loves him too.

 

****

When Thor comes back to their room, he finds Loki sprawled out on one of the chairs in front of the windows, staring at the stars outside, perfectly still, if not for the rise and fall of his chest.

Thor resists the urge to touch him to assure that he is truly here ; instead he takes place on the bed, laying down on the mattress, staring at the back of Loki’s head.

“You are… Oddly quiet.” Thor comments, a bit uncomfortable. He’s unsure of what to say, what to do.

Loki finally moves, sitting up in his chair, rearranging his leather tunic, but still not turning around to face Thor. He knows something isn’t right, in addition of the mess that is their relationship, but he doesn’t know how to voice it, how to encourage Loki to talk to him.

“How did this happen ?” He asks instead, almost in despair to fill the tensed and uncomfortable silence hovering between them.

“You’re going to have to be a little more specific, brother.” Loki answers, finally saying something. (And suddenly, Thor remembers sitting in the cell in Sakaar, waiting to fight the Grandmaster’s champion, Loki pleading him to just say something (only receiving blame as an answer, blame for Odin’s death and Hela’s return, blame for everything)).

“You know what I’m talking about”, Thor sighs.

Loki shakes his head and stands up ; each one of his moves screams tiredness (which isn’t very surprising, given the fact that Thor never sees him sleep.), and faces Thor. He still has the same pale skin, the same black hair and the same green eyes,  but it has never been harder to find his little brother in those features.

“Maybe was it always this way”, Loki answers, voice calm and measured. “Maybe it was, and you just didn’t notice it’, and, with that, he turns around and leaves.

Thor can’t bring himself to believe it. He doesn’t want to believe it. It is too painful, too wrong to think that maybe his childhood wasn’t as perfect as he thought. Except, it really was. He had literally all he wanted : a father, a mother, a brother, friends… He was a prince, whose destiny was to one day become a king, and the people of Asgard loved him.

He can’t stop remembering Loki, standing on that cliff, his words “I remember being a shadow. Living in the shade of your greatness”. He thought they were only spoken out of cruelty, a way to hurt and anger him, but now, his mind, treacherous thing that it is, whispers to his ear what if he meant them ?

What if ?

Thor was tall and strong, even as a child, and Loki, well… He was small since he was a baby, and lean. He was quiet and could easily make himself invisible, when Thor was the center of everyone’s stares and affection, with his wide smiles and golden curls.

And yes, as the first born and the future kind, he spent more time with Odin than Loki did, and yes, Thor made friends easily when Loki was defiant and wary. But Loki always spent more time with Mother (to the point that Thor actually became of jealous (of Mother or Loki, he didn’t know)), learning magic and reading books with her, and it was normal, because Loki and her were similar the same way Odin and Thor were.

But then Thor remembers, very distinctly, how the other kids laughed at Loki, how, during the lessons with the weapons master, Loki would always end up without a partner to spar with, and Thor always had to go pair with him instead of training with his friends (he remembers being angry about it, thinking selfishly “why couldn’t Loki make friends ?”, and he would strike, harder than it was appropriate for an opponent four years younger (but Loki never complained, or even said a word), until Loki was on the floor, arms and legs covered in purple bruises).

Thor wants to say he is sorry, for being the reason why everyone told Loki he would never be good simply because he wasn’t Thor, to the point that Loki actually started to believe it.

Why couldn’t everyone see Loki the way he saw him ? Why couldn’t _Loki_?

To Thor, he was perfect. To Thor, he was his baby brother. To Thor, he was everything.

_I only ever wanted to be your equal._

He wants to say he is sorry for being a bad brother. He wants to take the blame and apologize for every damn thing that went wrong in Loki’s life.

He wants to say he is sorry, but Loki has already left.

And it is only now that Thor realizes that Loki only truly had him and Mother and Father, and the affirmation that he belonged somewhere, that he was someone, a prince. Only to discover that it was all a lie, an illusion, that Odin never was his father, Frigga his mother and Thor his brother. That he never even was of this planet.

That he never had a family.

(And, cruelly, that his true one had abandoned him and left him behind to die.)

Thor sighs, hiding his face into his hands, closing his eyes to erase the memory of Loki, hanging below him in the void, his hand gripping at the spear, the only thing keeping him from falling.

_I could’ve done it, Father !_ He had screamed, face painted in pain and despair and a terrible, terrible hope, eyes filled with tears and anguish. _For you ! For all of us !_

Thor shakes his head, fingers curling into fists. _No, Loki._

Loki never had a happy childhood.

_Loki, no !_

Otherwise he wouldn’t have let go.

 

****

Thor had been three years old when Loki had been brought into his life.

He is playing hide and seek in the garden with Fandral and Volstagg when his mother comes to talk to him. She is wearing a blue dress, he remembers, the one that was in a fabric so soft it makes him giggle when he brushes his fingers against it.

“I want you to meet someone”, she says, blue eyes warm with loved. Thor is excited, because he likes meeting new people and making friends. He takes her hand, jumping in impatience at her side as she guides them through the corridors, to her chambers.

Just before entering in the room, she kneels in front if him to be at his height, and pulls a strand of his hair behind his hair in a caring move. “I am going to have to ask you a favor, little one. Can you do this for me ?” She asks him.

He nods vigorously, eager to do whatever his mother wanted to please her, honoured that she would ask him instead of one of the maids.

“You have to be quiet, alright ? No loud noises. Can you do it ?”

“Of course, Amma.” He answers, bombing his torso and raising his head in a proud gesture. She smiles and laughes, the sound comparable to a billion of warm sunshines on his skin, and strokes his cheek lovingly before standing up and, taking his hand back into hers, opening the door.

There is a really tiny bed just next to hers, and when Thor peaks his head above it, he almost lets out a noise in surprise. There is a small baby inside of it, a baby with big green eyes and a little tuft of black hair on his head, babbling and raising his tiny hands towards them. Thor, curious and amazed at the same time, presents two fingers to the baby, who curls his little fist around it and squeaks in delight.

Thor turns to his mother without letting go of the baby, who is looking at them with a fond smile. “What is this, Amma ?” He asks her.

“This is Loki”, she answers him, “your little brother.”

Thor turnes back to the baby, who is still holding his fingers and staring at him with wide eyes, and is suddenly filled by a strange desire to hold him and make him laugh and hug him against his chest until it hurts. “Can... can I hold him ?” He asks, a little shy. 

“Only if you are sure you will be careful and not let him fall”. 

“Never”, Thor says fiercely. He leans above the bed and slips his hands carefully under Loki’s arms. The baby is staring at him like he’s trying to understand what Thor is doing, and then almost startles, letting out a little yelp when Thor lifts him up and presses him against his chest. He then seems to think that there is no danger, because he stays calm and hooks his fingers to Thor’s hair, sucking his other fist in his mouth, and his green eyes looks around before laying in Thor.

Thor smiles and bumps him a little, overwhelmed with joy and something warm. “Hello, little brother”, he murmurs to Loki. 

Loki puts his hand out of his mouth, placing it on Thor’s shoulder, and Thor tries not to feel grossed by the feeling of saliva on his skin, but then Loki leans towards him and plants a wet and sloppy kiss on Thor’s cheekbone. 

Thor laughs, and when Loki leans back, he has a wide and cheeky smile on his lips.

Frigga and Thor both scream when Loki turns into a baby wolf just in front of their eyes and starts licking Thor’s chin.

 

****

Thor brushes his fingers against his eyepatch, wincing at the ache and the feeling of emptiness where his eye once was. He sighs, opening a bottle of alcohol and pouring himself a small drink. He settles on the bed, glass in his hand, and stares out in the space, looking at the stars. 

He startles when someone brutally opens the door and Valkyrie steps inside the room. “Where the fuck is your brother ?” She snarls. Thor resists the urge to flinch away ; she is probably the most scariest person he hasn’t ever met when she is angry. 

“How would I know ?” He answers calmly. He isn’t a king, he kind of has to act like he has control, or something like that. (Valkyrie looks painfully similar to Sif, beautiful and at the same time able to kick your ass). 

She looks for a moment at loss, like she doesn’t know what to say, and she grabs an empty bottle from the table and smashes it on the ground, before glaring at him. “If you see him, tell him I’m going to kill him”, and then she turns around and storms out. _What a delicious woman._

He sighs, wondering what Loki brought himself into. Pissing off Valkyrie was something to avoid at all costs. Especially if that person was Loki, because she already had no love for him. 

He must have dozed off at some point, because when he wakes up, the room is plunged in the dark, and he hears someone shuffling next to him. He pretends to be still asleep as the person continues to move around, and then he leaps and tackles them in the ground. 

“What the hell are you doing ?” A familiar voice exclaims. Thor lets out a breath, standing back up. Loki. 

“What the hell are _you_ doing ?” He replies, a bit angry. “Standing in the dark like that ? Are you trying to give me a heart attack ?”

Loki snorts, rising to his feet, and then switches the lights on. Thor stares at him, and realizes how much Loki looks... worn out. As if he’s spent the last days getting hit by the Hulk. He wants to ask him if he’s okay, but instead he says “what did you do to Valkyrie ? She came to see me. She looked furious.”

Loki shrugs, avoiding to meet his eyes, “Just... nothing. I said stuff she didn’t like. What else is new.”

Thor frowns. He has the impression Loki isn’t telling him the truth, but he chooses not to push. Insisting is never the right thing to do with Loki, he only closes him onto himself more. 

“Alright”, he says, trying to hide the defeat in his voice. “But she told me to tell you she was going to kill you.”

Loki snorts, as if he didn’t take it seriously. Which he should, because Valkyrie is perfectly capable to murder him and then hide his body somewhere on the ship (but she won’t, just for Thor’s sake). 

“She wouldn’t be the only one.” Loki replies, and Thor is surprised to hear the bitterness in his voice. Loki never cared about what people thought about him ; it amused even more when they wanted to kill him. (But Thor can’t help but think back to those moments where Loki cried because of the mean words of the other children, pretending it was just allergies if Thor saw him (he remembers Loki’s words _to prove to father that I am a worthy son,_ and the despair on his face as they’d hung aboveboard the void, jjust before he let go)).

_You brought this onto yourself, Loki,_ he wants to say, _you’re the one who pushed everyone away, hurt them until they had no choice but to hate you._

Loki became the monster everyone expected, before they even had the time to expect it. 

But Loki was no monster. He wouldn’t have showed up on Asgard to help Thor if he was. 

“How long until we reach Earth ?” Thor asks, changing the subject. Loki is obviously not going to elaborate, or talk about it. 

Loki shrugs, sitting on his own bed, turning his back to Thor. “I didn’t ask”. His voice bears a strange intonation. He sounds almost... vulnerable. 

Thor knows Loki doesn’t really want to go back to Earth. Loki tried to hide it behind his words when he said “do you really think it’s a good idea to bring me back to Earth ?”, but Thor has heard it anyway, the covered sentence behind this question. 

_I’m not sure I want to go back there._

Except, they don’t have a choice. Thor can’t just decide to reach another destination just because Loki doesn’t like it there (and it’s kind of Loki’s fault. He tried to conquer the planet and got his ass kicked). He is a King, and he has to think about his people before everything else. 

He ignores the faint voice whispering to his ear _you are a brother before you are a king._

That voice is right. He ignores it anyway. There is nothing he can do. 

 

****

It is only late in the day when Odin finally tells the truth to Thor about Loki’s origins. 

The Bifrost is destroyed. Loki is lost forever.

Loki, his baby brother, whom he had held in his arms when he was just a bright toddler. Loki, his baby brother, who liked to run in the palace as a wolf, pursued by Thor’s laughter as they chased each other in the corridors. Loki, his baby brother, whom he had sworn to protect.

Loki, his baby brother, who had chosen to die over them. 

Loki, his baby brother. Whom he had failed. 

“Why didn’t you tell him sooner ?” Thor asks, despair and dread filling him. He imagines Loki, all alone, learning that he was not of their family. That he was not of Asgard. He wants to scream and kick his father. He wants to grab Loki and yell at him for preferring death. 

He should’ve been here. If he had been here when Odin had told the truth to Loki, then things would have been different. 

“I only wanted to protect him”, Odin answers, voice tired. 

Thor looks at him, and he thinks about this man, whom he had thought was strong and invincible and did everything right. This man, who was a good king, _this man_ had made a mistake. 

_A mistake that cost me my little brother._

This man had been a terrible father. 

“Were you ever planning on telling him one day ?” He demands. He doesn’t even have to hear Odin’s answer. His expression gives it to him. 

Thor shakes his head, disgusted with himself, with his father, with _everything,_ and turns around to leave. 

“I am sorry, Thor.” Odin says, voice shaking. Thor stops and looks back at him. Something feels empty, hollow, _weird,_ inside of his chest. 

”It isn’t me that needed to hear that”, he answers quietly, and leaves the room, grief and pain heavy in his throat. 

 

****

As he said, being a king isn’t easy. It is a heavy responsibility, and it lies painfully on his shoulders. He had wanted to be a king, once. And then he had not. 

And now he had become one. 

Thor looks at his eyepatch, before slowly taking it off, and looking at himself in the mirror. The skin around the emot cavity is swollen and bruised, and there is still dried blood. One of the four healers who survived and were on the ship took care of it so there wouldn’t be any infection, but she couldn’t do anything more than that, without any material. 

It isn’t as painful as it was, but there is still this lingering ache that makes him want to pull his fingers in it, just to fill the emptiness where his eye was. But he doesn’t, because he knows it will only make it worse. 

“Are you trying to seduce your reflection ?” A snarky voice says behind him. He turns around. Loki is standing in the entrance, leaning his shoulder against the wall. He hasn’t a black eye and a split lip. Probably Valkyrie’s doing. 

Well, at least she didn’t kill him. 

“You are so funny, brother” Thor answers, rolling his eyes. “Really. You should share your humoristic talents more often. Maybe you should write some play about it.” 

“I write drama”, Loki replies in an offended tone. “And for your record, the people loved it.”

Thor snorts, and grabs the eyepatch, turning away from the mirror. He is surprised to find that Loki’s eyebrows are burrowed in concern. 

“What ?” He asks. 

“It looks painful”, Loki simply says. “Do you want me to take a look at it ?”

Thor puts the eyepatch back in place and shakes his head. “No, it’s fine.” He almost regrets it when he sees Loki’s face falls a little. _He thinks I don’t believe he can do something about it._ “But thank you for asking, though. If it doesn’t get better, I will ask you.”

Loki nods stiffly, before marching to his bed and turning his back, stripping of his tunic. Thor eyes his bare back, staring at the scars on his pale skin. They must be from the battle, or from his attempt to conquer Earth, because Thor doesn’t recognize them. He doesn’t ask. 

Loki turns a second to take another cloth, before going back to facing away from Thor, but it is enough time for Thor to see. He goes still, unable to make a move. He can’t believe what he just saw. 

“Loki.” He lets out. “Loki”, he repeats, voice raw and throat dry. “Turn around.”

Loki seems frozen at his words. He doesn’t move, as if Thor has just insulted him. Thor stands up and marches to him, and, grabbing at his shoulder, he spins him around. Loki’s eyes are closed, as if he doesn’t want to look at him.

There, on Loki’s chest, just above his heart. A pretty long scar, paler than his skin. 

This one, Thor knows where it is from. 

“It was real”, he simply lets out. It seems to snap Loki out of his trance, because he flinches away from Thor, pulling a new tunic above his head and covering his torso. “It wasn’t an illusion. You were stabbed.” 

“I never said I wasn’t”, Loki answers quietly. 

“You never said you were.” Thor replies. He swallows, tries to push the nausea rising in his throat. It feels like someone just put heavy stones in his stomach. “Did you...” He inhales sharply. “Did you die ?”

For a long time, Loki doesn’t say anything. He just stands there, not facing Thor, not moving. Thor wonders what is going on in his mind. 

“I don’t know”, Loki finally murmurs, and leaves the room.

 

****

Thor bursts in Loki’s room, excited. “Brother”, he exclaims. “Come quickly, Vanaheim’s delegation has arrived !”

Loki has startled at his sudden arrival and pushed one of his sleeve down his arm, but doesn’t have time to do the same for the other before Thor sees the stark white bandage covering his wrist to his elbow. He frowns, stopping in his tracks, forgetting about the reason he came. “What is that ? Are you hurt ?”

Loki shakes his head, avoiding to meet his gaze. “It’s nothing”, he mumbles, “forget about it.”

“If you are hurt, we have to go see Eir or Mother.” Thor says, taking a step towards him. “Mother said we should not take care of our wounds alone.”

“And I’m telling you it’s nothing.” Loki answers, voice getting firmer. “Just a scratch, okay ? Nothing to worry about.”

“Then, if you don’t want to show it to Mother, can I take a look ?” He asks. “Just to make sure you are fine. I won’t tell anything to her, I promise.”

Loki looks exasperated. “Thor, I am fine. Leave it.”

Thor crosses his arms on his chest, resolute. “I’m not leaving it”, he replies. “Not until you show me.”

There is something worrying about Loki’s behaviour. Loki would have shown him by now, just to make him let go of it. He feels fear starting to fill his stomach. It must be bad, this is the only explanation.

Loki sighs and tries to pass in front of him, but Thor grabs his other arm, trying to stop him from walking away, and immediately lets him go when Loki flinches back, wincing.

“Are you hurt on the other arm too ? Norns, Loki, I am sorry, I didn’t know, let me…” Thor rambles, taking Loki’s hand instead and gripping at it, starting to pull the bandage off from the other.

“Leave me alone !” Loki exclaims, and he tries to retreat from Thor’s grip, but Thor doesn’t let go. Loki begins to trash even more, wild and scary. He turns into a wolf, attempts to bite Thor’s fingers off. He shifts into at least a dozen of different animals, but none of them manages to make Thor loosen his fingers.

He goes back to his normal appearance, but doesn’t stop fighting him off. He pulls his hand so brutally out of Thor’s that he finally manages to free himself, but taken by his run-up, he stumbles backwards, trips on the foot of a chair, eyes widening in horror, and falls. His head hits the corner of the table, before going slack on the ground.

Thor is petrified. His little brother isn’t moving from where he is laying.

Absolute terror almost choking him, he walks towards his form, fingers shaking. He kneels at his side, turning him over on his back. Loki’s eyes are closed, and he doesn’t react at Thor’s touch.

“Loki ?” He asks in a small voice, shaking him lightly. Loki doesn’t wake up. Thor leans in, lifting his head to try to see the damage of Loki hitting the table, but he freezes instantly when his fingers touches something sticky and warm and wet in his hair.

He lays Loki’s head back on the ground, and looks at his hands in horror. Blood is covering them.

“Loki !” He calls him louder, shaking his shoulders, but Loki’s body is completely slack, and his head lulls from a side to another.

Thor runs out of the room, screaming for his mother. Someone, a maid, a soldier, must have heard him and fetch his mother, because she arrives running towards him, worry evident on her features. _No, no, it isn’t me,_ he thinks, _nothing happened to me, it is Loki, it is Loki, Lokilokilokilokilokiloki_

He grips at her hand and pulls her towards Loki’s room. She lets out a little yelp when she sees her younger son unconscious on the ground with blood on his head, and rushes to his side.

Loki is taken to Eir, who heals him and assures them there is no important damage, just some bleeding and a concussion. Frigga is relieved, sitting next to the bed where Loki is still unconscious, squeezing his hand, as Thor sits on the other side, weeping silently.

“Thor”, his mother says, gently. “Thor, you didn’t do anything wrong. He is okay.”

Thor nods, wiping his cheeks with his hands, but the tears don’t seem to want to stop. Frigga smiles at him, caressing Loki’s arm, and frowns when she feels the fabric of the bandage. She pulls his sleeve up.

“Eir didn’t mention any other injuries.” She simply constats.

“It is from-from before”, Thor hiccups, trying to stop sobbing. “He wouldn’t let me see, so I tried-tried to look, and then he-he tripped and, and…”

“Thor”, his mother stops him, leaving her seat and circling the bed to hug him into her arms. He curls his arms around her neck, crying against her neck. “It isn’t your fault. Let’s… Let’s just look to check it isn’t too bad, alright ?”

Thor nods, sniffing, before letting go of his mother. She plants a kiss on his cheek, and then turns towards Loki, starting to pull off the bandage of Loki’s left arm. 

Then, she lets out a loud gasp.

Thor doesn’t make a sound. His eyes just stay fixed on the red lines covering Loki’s skin.

 

****

Loki avoids him for three whole days. He stays far from Thor during the meetings, pretending to be more interested about picking at his nails, doesn’t come to their room anymore (or at least not when Thor is here), while Thor burns in frustration. He wants to shake Loki, to force him to open up about his feelings and what he has been through. 

He knows it isn’t the answer, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t consider it. 

This lasts three days. He is not even trying to talk to Loki. He is just wandering through the ship, and then he pushes a door and finds himself inside of a large room. The bar is in the middle of it, huge and colorful, but someone wrote something in the wall just abov it in red letters.

_this is my spot Lackey so fuck off - Valkyrie_

Thor resists the urge to smile, and it dies pretty quickly when he sees Loki, sitting on the counter, leaning against a column, a half-empty bottle in his hand. He is looking at Thor through half lidded eyes. 

“So this is why Valkyrie was angry at you”, Thor simply constats. “You’ve been stealing her alcohol.” 

“Not hers” Loki mumbles, his voice slurred. “I’m the one who brought the ship.” 

Thor ignores his words. “What are you exactly doing ? Trying to win a contest to see who is the bigger drunk between the two of you ?” 

“I’m not a drunk”, Loki answers. 

“Yeah, keep telling you that”, Thor sighs, rolling his eyes. He feels angry. Angry at Loki for pushing him away, when they are each other’s last thing to remain. Loki is the last memory of his past : Odin and Frigga are dead, Asgard is no more ; Loki is the little boy turning into baby wolf and snake and playing hide and seek with him, Loki is the countless stories told in the middle of the night, at the light of a candle, Loki is laughter and mischevious eyes, Loki is thousands of pranks and falling asleep together or with Mother. “I know you are not fine, Loki. I don’t remember the last time you were.”

Loki doesn’t look at him. “I don’t rememember either”, he says, very quietly. Then, he bends over and pukes onto the ground. 

Valkyrie chooses this moment to walk in. “Are you kidding me ?” She exclaims. “Did you not see the message, you motherfucker ?” Loki doesn’t seem to hear her, or maybe he just doesn’t care. He’s just heaving on the counter. She turns towards Thor. “I hate your brother.” 

_Sometimes I hate him too,_ Thor thinks. He doesn’t say it. 

Valkyrie walks to Loki and nudges his shoulder. Thrown out of his balance, Loki falls on the ground. Valkyrie sends an exasperated look at Thor. “He is in a pathetic state.”

Thir swallows the lump in his throat. “I know”, he croaks out. He leans in, sliding his arms around Loki’s waist and hauling him up. Valkyrie is watching him intently. “What ?” Thor asks, a little defensive. 

“He makes you suffer.” She just says. It isn’t a question. Just a constatation. Thor wants to deny it, but he knows it is true. Every betrayal, every fake death hurt him, but this, this is real pain. Knowing that something is wrong with his little brother, and not able to do a thing. 

“I made him suffer too, in the past. And this is why he is still suffering, now.” He answers. Loki is leaning heavily against him, but he looks way too much out of it to hear a thing. 

They make their way out, and Valkyrie helps him bring Loki back to his and Thor’s room. Thor lays him in the bed and tucks him in, pulling the covers to his chin. He looks so much younger like that (maybe because he is. He _is_ young, but he wears this tired and cold expression that makes him look older). 

“I remember when he was a baby. He was so... I don’t know. He was a quiet child, but he always was joyful.” Valkyrie is looking at him, listening, and Thor is glad that she is here with him right now. That she doesn’t shut him up. “He really struggled to walk, so he would always turn into animals, because animals learn to walk the minute after they’re born, and it was the only way for him to walk.”

Thor pats the covers, inhaling sharply. He doesn’t want to cry right now. “He used to have nightmares, when he was a little older. He would always come to me. And now...” He tries to blink the tears away. “Now he won’t even talk to me.” 

“This isn’t your fault, Thor.” Valkyrie says. 

“Yes it is. I wasn’t... Really nice to him, when we grew up. He didn’t have any friends, besides me, and it kind of annoyed me. I sometimes made fun of him.” 

“This is what brothers do, you do know that, right ?” 

Thor is staring to get frustrated. Why is she trying to make him look innocent when he isn’t ? “You don’t understand. It hurt him. Everyone kept repeating him to be like me, that he wasn’t good enough, to he would never be worthy as I am. He needed a friend, someone to tell him that he was already good the way he was, he needed... he needed... A big brother. And I failed to be that for him. And then it only grew worse when he learned that he was in fact adopted, and...” 

Valkyrie is looking at him with a strange expression. He stops talking, confused. “What ?” 

“He is adopted ?” She repeats, surprised. Thor nods. 

“Yeah. He... he isn’t even Aesir, in fact.” 

“He is a Jotumn.” 

Thor’s eyes snap back to hers. “Wait, how do you know ?”

She looks uncomfortable for a minute. “It’s just... the Grandmaster made him parade during one of his parties as a Jotumn. I thought it was only, you know, shape-shift, but it clicked when you said he was adopted.” 

Thor can’t believe what he is hearing. “Wh-Why the fuck would the Grandmaster make him parade as a Jotumn ?” Why the fuck would Loki even accept ?

She looks at him like he is the one being confusing, eyebrows furrowing. “Because... he was his pet ? And the Grandmaster does whatever he wants ? I don’t really understand your question there.” 

His pet. The words ring into Thor’s ears infinitely. Petpetpetpetlokipetpetlokipetpet

”What do you mean, pet ?” It sounds nothing like Loki. Loki would never do anything like that. Loki was proud and fierce and indépendant. 

Valkyrie stares at him as if he is an idiot. “Pet, whore, concubine- use whatever word you want to use.” 

Thor feels like she’s just hit him hard on the face. The dread filling his chest must have been visible on his face, because her annoyed expression quickly crumbles into one of horror. “Oh, Norns. You... You didn’t know.” She lets out. “Fuck, shit, I had no idea, I... I thought you knew.” 

But Thor didn’t. Because he was something ducking oblivious and just didn’t not notice things (he never really noticed Loki’s fears and pain (not until it was out just in front of his eyes and he had no other choice but to see)). Like right now.  

He looks at Loki, who is still asleep. He looks at him and imagines him with the Grandmaster all tangled up- it makes him want to puke. Because there is no way Loki would have accepted it on his own will. Thor has always known Loki’s attirance for both sexes, has always tried to be supportive (to the point that Loki actually became annoyed), but this, _this_ , he... 

He wants to cry. He wants to ask Loki why he did this. 

He wants to curl up around him the same way they did as children.

He can’t. Because they are not children anymore. They have grown up. 

Loki more than anyone.

 

****

_I’m a fool,_ Loki had gasped as he died in his arms, fear and pain filling his green eyes, and Thor had remembered the way they used to shine with joy and malice, he remembers the way he held Loki when he was just a baby, and he had put a hand on Loki’s face as the tears stream down his face. Loki, his baby brother, whom he was supposed to protect, was now dying. 

_I’m sorry,_ Loki had said despite Thor’s promises that it was going to be alright. _I’m sorry,_ he had repeated, as if he was afraid Thor didn’t hear him, didn’t understand what he meant by those words. _I’m sorry._

Thor had wailed, cried his pain and grief the same way he had when Loki had fallen from the Bifrost. Instead, this time, he was cradling his baby brother’s dead body against him, hugging him, unable to let him go. 

_We have to leave,_ Jane had said, squeezing his shoulder, eyes so, so sad. _Thor, we cannot stay here._

Thor had shook his head through his tears, looked down at Loki’s still, frozen face. If Thor concentrated enough, it was as if Loki was just asleep, Thor cuddling him to chase away the nightmares as he did once. _I can’t,_ he had said, voice hoarse and breaking, _I can’t- leave him here. He-he’s my little brother. I can’t let him alone._

(He never liked being alone, despite saying otherwise, Thor had thought.) 

But he had to get up, eventually. Had to lay his cold body on the ground, resisting the urge to lay with him and hug him close again. He promised himself he would come back and bring his little brother’s body back to Asgard, so he can have his funeral, just like Mother, where it belongs. 

Except, when he had come back, his body wasn’t here anymore. Thor had cried for days, hiding in Loki’s bedroom, his mind a mess of _I should have stayed with him_ and _I left him all alone._

 

_****_

Sometime after Loki’s fall and Odin’s revelation about his true origins, Thor finally manages the courage to go inside Loki’s room. He doesn’t know why he expected it to be different - but it’s not. It is clean (Thor suspects Mother to come here every day to make sure no dust settles in (as if she expectedly Loki to come back one day)).

But there is something chaotic, suffocating, weirdly melancholic about the room that makes Thor want to flee away. He wants to leave and never have to think about it again. He wants things to go back to the way they were. He wants Loki to come home. 

Loki’s books are all in their place, in order. His bed is made, and the room is tidy as it always is. Loki always liked order ; and it annoyed him to see the state of Thor’s room who never tried to keep it row. 

Except for the desk. The desk is a complete mess. Torn pieces of paper are scattered on it. It is odd, because the desk isn’t where Loki spends most of his time, leaning above books or writing down new spells. Thor walks slowly to it, and picks up the one on top. His heart clenches in his chest, and for a moment he doesn’t remember how to breath. 

There are only four words written on it. 

_I am a monster._

Thor breaks down into uncontrollable sobs, falling on his knees onto the ground, squeezing it in his fist until it crumbles into pieces. 

 

****

When Loki finally wakes up, Valkyrie has left. Thor is sitting on his own bed. He feels at the same time exhausted and wide awake ; he hasn’t been able to sleep the whole night. He just stayed like this, keeping an eye on Loki as if he was afraid he might disappear if he didn’t pay attention one second, and his mind twirled and twisted with unanswered interrogations and awful _what if_ s. 

Loki groans and sits up on his bed, hiding his face into his hands. “Shit, my head.” He lets out with a whine. Loki never gets drunk. At least, he didn’t, back in Asgard. Thor was the one who would get so wasted he couldn’t walk straight. And. Loki’s had been the one to haul him up and put him in bed, and the next morning, Loki was still here, helping him clean his stomach in the toilets and easing his headache while scolding him for drinking that much.

It isn’t a painful memory, because : did Loki never get drunk because he thought Thor wouldn’t take care of him afterwards ? Or because he didn’t trust him to ? Or because he was afraid that, in his haze, he might say something about the way he felt ? Thor was a talkative and happy drunk ; everyone knew that. Now it seems like Loki was the kind of sad drunk.  

Thor looks at him, silent. 

Loki turns towards him and eyes him warily. “Did you put me in the bed last night ?” He asks. Thor nods jerkily. _Why ?_ He wants to say. _Did you think I would let you unconscious in the ground ?_

He feels at the same time furious and concerned. Because he’s knows that this wasn’t a one-time thing ; he knows Loki has been getting drunk regularly, considering Valkyrie’s anger and message on the bar. 

Another uncomfortable silence hovers between them, before Thor finally masters the courage to break it. “Why didn’t you tell me ?”. 

Loki goes still. “About what ?” 

Thor swallows hard. He hasn’t even drunk anything, and yet he’s the one who might throw up. “You and the Grandmaster.” 

For a long, tensed moment, Loki doesn’t say a thing. Thor can feel his fingers shaking, so he curls them into fists to hide the tremor. Then, slowly, as if Loki was hesitant about the choice of his words, “I didn’t see the use.” 

“Why did you let him ?” Thor wants to slap himself. This was the wrong thing to ask. He should have said “how are you feeling”, but his mouth has the disturbing habit to say things he doesn’t want to say. 

Suddenly, anger fills Loki’s expression. “What makes you think I didn’t _ask_ for it ? What makes you think I didn’t want it ?” He snarls. He laughs cruelly at Thor’s expression. “Oh, excuse me, was that too much for your innocent ears. Wanna know how he bent me over and took me ? How I screamed and begged for more ?”

Thor looks at him, and for the really first time, he really sees him. He sees past the mask of coldness and annoyance, and what he sees is pain and sorrow. 

“Why did you let him ?” Thor repeats. 

“You think I had a choice ?” Loki suddenly explodes. “It was either this or death, so if I had to bend over or suck him off to survive, then I did it !” It is like Thor said : Loki bottles everything deep inside of him until it grows and grows and takes him apart, and all he and do is implode. And it’s ugly. “I thought you were dead, Odin is dead, Frigga is dead, and the only way people get along with me is because they want to use me.” 

“That-that is not true”, Thor exhales. 

“Isn’t it ?” Loki replies, cruelly. “Odin took me in for the only purpose of using me later to assure peace with Jotumnheim, you used me to leave Asgard with your mortal, the Grandmaster used me because he thought I am pretty, and they used me to bring back the Tesseract ! I have only one purpose, Odinson : to be used and used and used again until I am just to be thrown away.”

“I never meant to use you” Thor murmurs after some time. “I am sorry, brother.” 

Thor knows Loki isn’t ready to forgive him yet. So this time, he’s the one who leaves. 

He wonders who _they_ are.

 

****

When Thor comes back, Loki is still laying on his bed, facing away from him. Thor sighs, before getting ready for bed. He slips under his covers, and closes his eyes.

He wakes up to the sound of sobs and thrashing. He immediately spins around, kicking his sheets out of his body, ready to fight whatever threat he hasn’t to take down. 

He immediately stops when he sees Loki, squirming in his bed, murmuring incoherent words, face drenched in sweat. Thor frowns, and slowly makes his way to him. He sits in the mattress, and reaches out to lightly shake him. “Loki”, he says, not raising his voice. “Loki, wake up.” 

Suddenly, Loki’s hand grips at his wrist, nails digging in the flesh, and then Thor isn't on the Statesman anymore, he is in the darkness, and pain is everywhere, digging in his body, dripping from it, eating his mind away...

And then, an awful, terrifying voice. 

_You will bring me the Tesseract_

_Do not worry, Asgardian. I will break you soon enough_

_Where is your brother now ?_

Thor comes back with a shudder, breaking Loki’s grip, and Loki finally wakes up with a huge gasp, green eyes filled with tears. He struggles for his breath, wheezing, and Thor places a hand on his back to comfort him. 

He jerks back when a burning cold slowly climbed up his fingers to his wrist. He hissed and drew his hand away, almost letting out a yell when Loki turned his face towards him. No pale skin, in green eyes : just blue, with some sorts of scars on his forehead and cheeks, and red, red, so red eyes, tears of ice slowly rolling down his cheeks. 

Loki must have seen something on his face, because he looked down at his own hand and flinched away from Thor, horror apparent on his features. “I am sorry”, he rambled, quickly, breathing sharply, as if he couldn’t let enough oxygen in his lungs, “I-I, I lost control, you shouldnt have seen me like this, I-” 

Thor doesn’t know if he sees talking about the memory he shared accidentely, or the sudden transformation. 

“Loki”, he just says, quietly. Loki is starting to shake uncontrollably, and Thor doesn’t dare to touch him. He knows it won’t be accepted right now. “Loki, you don’t have to hide from me.” 

“I-I am not weak”, he struggles to say, and Thor feels an incomparable sadness overwhelm him. He chokes back sobs and tears. This is not about him, this is about Loki. 

“You’re not”, Thor lets out. _You’re one of the strongest person I know._

He doesn’t know what to do. Because now there isn’t something else to know, something he wasn’t sure he wanted to. He doesn’t know if it makes it better, the fact that Loki did not try to conquer Earth on his own will. The fact that he was tortured and twisted and broken until he gave in. 

“You’re not”, Thor repeats, throat hurting and raw, but he speaks anyway. “But it doesn’t mean you need to be alone.” 

_I guess I’ll do it alone, just like I always have._

“I have always been alone.” Loki sobs, heaving. Thor feels his heart squeeze in his chest. Because Loki is his baby brother, and was crying because Thor had let him down. Because they both had made mistakes and unable to talk and understand each other. Because Loki was suffering and hadn’t known how to ask for help. Because Thor hadn’t known how to see it. 

“You don’t have to be anymore. I’m here.” Thor says, repeating the same words Loki told him a few days ago. If Loki asks _why ?_ , then Thor knows what he will answer. 

_Because you are my baby brother._

And, for now, that is enough.

 

****

Being a king is hard. Being Loki’s brother is harder, but at least now Thor has come to terms with it. 

Being a brother isn’t some duty. Being a brother is part of him, and it is his nature to protect his little brother. 

 

****

In the end, it is Loki who protects him. Loki, who stands in front of the Great Titan, his torturer, the reason of his nightmare, and chooses to give away the Tesseract to save Thor. Loki, who, in a last attempt to fix his mistakes, brings a dagger to Thanos’ throat. 

And Thor screams. The sound of Loki’s neck breaking haunts him until the end. 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> So here he are, second part of this series. I liked to explore Thor’s centric about Loki and everything, and I hoped you enjoyed reading :) god Loki’s death in infinity war broke me so I couldn’t just not put it in this story.  
> Comments are really appreciated ^^


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